Yuck.

Pretty much, that's it. Y-u-c-k YUCK. Kind of whiny, I know, but I'm so sick of school. Why, God? I just want life to be hugs & puppies & Tillamook ice cream. (Maybe add a few other things in there, like children's books, cheese & cottage cheese, & LOTS of wonderful friends:) But it's not. And "it's not" because we have free will and all that jazz--because God gave us choice and we misused it, leaving ourselves gone very awry and with all sorts of consequences. Sometimes I'd be very willing to give up my free will, and lately I've wanted to quite a lot. Troubles with school & boys (*ahem*--that's "boy," singular...) & being irresponsible. I just want to hand over the free will till I'm done with the semester, be forced to do the right thing like a little puppet on a string. The trouble is, God doesn't want puppets. And I don't suppose I'd ever be truly happy as a puppet. I'd just be a bubblehead in Scott Westerfields Uglies series, or a robot with no more personality than Mr. Universe's lovebot (Serenity). I guess having a personality at all requires the free will option--and, hey, I like my personality:)

In a nutshell, I've been slightly bipolar, riding the emotional roller coaster which I know, to a degree, I have had a hand creating. I love being responsible in some ways; I hate it in others; I want to be done with school; I want to be married and living a happy life with the absolute best husband & lots of little children running about; I want, I want, I want. God, O God--I didn't think I was still this self-centered. I thought I was getting better, living for you, living for others. I've tried the "me" road; I was miserable, and I don't want to go there again. Change me, God, please, please, PLEASE. Reinforce the good and take away the bad. You are the only one worth entirely living for. Give me peace and patience and wisdom and love and humility and accurate self-assessment. Please.